Do you ever catch yourself saying “yes” when you actually want to say “no”? Or you nod your head in agreement, when you really don’t agree at all?
You’ve possibly even reached the point where you feel annoyed with yourself, yet it still feels easier to do it.
I know how you feel, because this was once me, until I realized it was holding me back.
Personally, I dislike labelling, especially people. But if you find it difficult to air your own viewpoint, you could be what is often called a people pleaser.
Clinical social worker and psychotherapist Amy Morin wrote that people pleasing is a sign of something deeper and is linked to a person’s self worth. They hope that saying yes to everything asked of them will help them feel accepted and liked.
People pleasers may have encountered bullying or some form of mistreatment in the past. Those past experiences triggered a survival pattern. They have learned along the way that agreeing to everything can help them stay safe.
We all want to be liked, because it gives us a sense of belonging. And that need of belongingness is one of the most primal of human emotional needs. It’s a tribal need.
In past years, we all lived in tribes. We would fish and hunt together, cook and protect each other. It has been said that there’s safety in numbers and that has certainly been the case in tribal communities. Living in a tribe meant we would survive and we did our upmost to remain there.
Even in today’s modern world, we are hard wired to survive. Though we may not live in tribes now, we still have that same need to belong. And, during our lives, we develop a variety of behavioral patterns, to ensure that we do.
A people pleaser fears not being liked and thinks if they disagree, they will be on the outer. It’s one of those survival based behaviour patterns and it works really well to a point.
The problem here is this:
If you continually put other’s needs before your own, there is a good chance you will eventually burn out. And, if you regularly push aside your own opinions in effort to agree, you can lose sight of your identity.
When you lose sight of your own identity, your thinking becomes clouded. You start to live your life through “shoulds” instead of “wants”. You become unsure of what you do believe and find it difficult to know what you want.
In the long-term, this can cause unhappiness and lack of fulfilment. It stops you living to your full potential has been known to lead to depression.
The good news is that behavior can be changed; it’s just a process and takes time.
Survival patterns are not easy to break. But making gradual small changes will soon bring the desired result.