Are you happy? Right now?
It’s a question that we don’t really think about, is it? So take a second to stop (at the end of this sentence) and ask yourself “Am I happy?”
To answer that, don’t we need to know what happiness is?
I asked my Facebook friends to define happiness and while there were similarities, different things defined people’s happiness.
So can we come up with one definition for happiness?
Should we bother?
And what impact can true happiness bring to your life, your ambitions and even your health?
You can imagine to write this article I looked up “What is happiness?” And found tons of famous peoples from across 5000 years quotes. Of all of these I like Michael J. Fox’s the best:
“My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportion to my expectations.”
Thinking of the people I’ve coached this year, this really resonated because for so many people life is not working:
It’s overwhelming. It’s hard work. It’s challenging, with endless struggles…
How can anyone be happy through that?
Are we destined to re-define 21st century happiness to reflect a world that is so fast paced and seems so unforgiving?
Happiness is not a destination. When I asked people to define happiness, lots of people told me about dogs, or people, or beaches or sunny days that sparked sheer joy in them.
But happiness is not something on the outside and if yours is, then you are in trouble.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Where’s the Happy Pills?
One person told me “I get my happiness from seeing those around me happy.” While in theory that sounds great, read on as it’s not advisable or even good for you. People like this are often “people pleasers.”
I used to be one too so I know the signs and the dangers:
- The fear of letting people down.
- The fear of saying no.
- The fear of what people will think can all drive this.
In my book Fight the Fear, I cover these 3 fears in detail, and in all the years of coaching people to success, I think the biggest impactor on our happiness and success is the fear of what other people think.
It can change though:
- Your actions.
- What you say.
- How you behave.
- What you think.
- The goals you go for.
- The way you live.
- Even what you wear.
With all clients, it’s about building confidence to accept that the right people will love and respect you regardless of the things that matter to you.
Even if it’s different to them. When you are trapped by people pleasing, your happiness becomes far too intertwined in other people.
Check your confidence levels.
Could you (for instance) tell a friend or loved one that you completely disagree with their view on something and know that they’d love and respect you just as much? If not, what needs to change?
You are far more likely to be honest if you feel confident. Just as many get their happiness from the outside, so do people get their confidence from external forces.
It’s by no accident that both of these things need you to build your internal skills to maintain confidence and happiness.
Can You Be Happy When Your Dog Dies?
I thought back to the sadness moment I’ve had in a long time. My beautiful 13 year old Springer Spaniel Max, died suddenly. My husband was on the other side of the world and I can’t even begin to tell you how earth shattering that day was. Two years on, it still regurgitates a feeling so black I can’t (or won’t) define the emotions.
So can you be happy when you are burying your dog?
I’d powerfully learned many years before that… yes, on the saddest days you can feel utter joy, elation and happiness.
When my Nan died – I can hardly remember her being in hospital slowly wasting away over 3 months, unable to eat or walk. Scared and confused slowly shrinking from the powerful matriarch she’d been my whole life, however I can vividly remember her on millennium New Year’s Eve singing Frank Sinatra’s “New York, New” and commandeering the microphone so we had to be backing singers! And guess what? Now I’m laughing too.
Try it. Teach yourself how to flip your emotions and get back to happiness. Appreciate that negative emotions and feelings can trigger the very opposite ones.
Right now, think of the saddest day you’ve ever had to go through – really feel the pain (sorry).
Think about how awful that day felt – maybe you lost your job, or your loved one was rushed to hospital and they told you to expect the worse, perhaps it is the day you lost someone you love.
Make a decision to go from the pain to the opposite – the joy of getting a new job, the action of cuddling your loved ones so tightly and being so grateful for their wellness that they retorted “You are squeezing me too tightly!” or if it is was the worse thing of all, think of one of the things your loved one said to you that always made you smile.
So can you be happy that your dog’s dead? No, but you can be experiencing both emotions at the same time. Devastation at what you lost but sheer joy, gratitude and contentment at the life you had together.
It’s a choice (and this is not easy to remember, accept or take action on). However, you think what you wish to think. I won’t hold on to sad moments in life – just the good ones. If I’m going to remember a sad moment, it is to remind me of the polar opposite.
Back up solution:
If you find yourself struggling to find any happiness. Ask yourself ;
- “What could the opposite emotion be here?”
- “What experiences have I had that gave me this emotion?”
Research has proved on many occasions that just by remembering a happy moment our brain doesn’t know we are not going through that right now and can still release the same chemical reactions in our brain as if we were experiencing the good stuff!